SOUL SUCKERS

What you’re about to read is some truthful shit. I’m sorta known for being a “lucky star” but when it comes to love, I am the most unfortunate girl to walk the surface of the earth. I could “gladly” say I’ve been in love a few times, well at least had a few men in my past I could walk miles for, unfortunately they are usually willing to crawl a mile for me.

Alota people tell me I have serious attitude issues especially with men who have interest in me, it’s either I’m rude or I’m cold or a little too blunt. Why waste my time on guaranteed sorrows with no promises of tomorrow?

I’m used to 3 things – getting lied to, getting hit and/or giving a little too much and getting less than a little back.  I’ve been in a few relationships and one or more of these things are present. The more I try to love someone, the more I hate myself for making the same mistake a million times and still not learning from it. The strongest relationship av had thus far is that of my first love, we lasted well into 8 years, he’s presently my best friend and we share everything with each other, experiences with other people and present/future goals/dreams. 

I’m a lot more shut out from the world right now. You’d be surprised the kinda monster lives in your soul when you let the supposed angels hit ur soul, they pierce in deep and suck the life outta who you are. I’m 99% sure that is what happened to me. I used to laugh at everything, any chance I got to smile; I utilized it now I ask for a genuine reason to smile before I waste a moment on it. How awful is that? I’ve lost a lot more in this sudden emotional darkness than I did loving, trusting and getting hurt. The scars are still deep, I still cry every now and then and I still make wishes. 

I get lonely too, alota times i get so fucking lonely and sad but I’m not one of those girls who stay up all night crying or day dream about Mr. perfect but I’m the girl who lives every day of her life expecting the worst from people and feeling really blessed when they show me their best. Loving someone right now is mad hard since I’m a type to love with all my heart, my soul and my life – I just don’t think anyone is worth so much of me, at least not right now. Knowledge is pain and knowing the one person you let into your world does not appreciate that world or wants a taste of every other world hurts as fuck. Besides people barely see your efforts and when they see how much you’re giving into loving them and making it work – they often times don’t appreciate it. I still get the liars, the abusers, the cheats, the deceivers – I call them the soul suckers. 

Sometimes argue with myself, laugh at myself and cry for myself. I get emotionally depressed and let my mind race, most times I set myself in a bad mood and that moment I just don’t give a fuck about anyone and anything. That is the side effect of letting soul suckers run deep into your system. They fuck your mind, body and heart up. Your head hurts for no reason, your eyes cry randomly and you lose breath faster than an asthmatic patient.

I breathe everyday reminding myself that me is all I have, I cannot afford to lose that. Again and again I lose who I am but I’m strong enough to hang onto the most important parts of me, that part of me filled with compassion and care. That part of me that still takes SOME chances with/for SOME people without expectations. 

The good things barely last, the good memories never go away tho - i hang unto the smallest things hoping to be genuinely happy someday. being souless has been hell but i believe my heaven is in my heart and my heart is still very much intact, well the little of it i saved for myself. I’m single right now, not hoping, not searching – just praying. I’m a lot more focus right now on career goals and wrapping up school. Doing my thing and believing in a brand new day with a brand new change, not necessarily a brand new me or a brand new person.